What is a Therapist? part 1
Sometimes I hear people say, “I don’t need a therapist—I can vent to my friends for free!”
I’ll be the first to tell you that close relationships where you can speak openly and get support are so important. Some of the most powerful healing comes from being witnessed in our imperfection and loved anyway. I absolutely encourage my clients to build that kind of intimacy in their relationships.
And. I believe that therapy is a unique and powerful relationship that can be integral in many people’s healing journeys.
How is talking to a therapist different from talking to a friend?
A therapist does not know you (yet).
In fact, there are ethical guidelines that therapists should NOT know their clients in any capacity other than therapy, if it can be avoided. In therapy, you come in with a clean slate. Some people think of therapy as a playground to experiment with new ways of thinking, behaving, and expressing ourselves without the constraints of others’ expectations. A therapist is not steeped in the lifetime of stories that others might have about you, which might free you to see yourself in new ways.
This relationship is about you.
The therapeutic relationship has a unique sort of reciprocity. You do not need to filter yourself or worry about burdening your therapist. This is literally their job. You do not need to make sure that you and your therapist have equal “air time.” This is your time, and your therapist is focused fully on you. A therapist is paid to do this work, and there is a clear expectation that the focus is YOU.
If a therapist brings themselves into the conversation, ethically, it should always be for your benefit. For example, you and your therapist might talk about a shared interest as a way to build trust and connection. Or, your therapist might share how they are impacted by your behavior, like, “When you talk harshly about yourself, it pains me to hear, because I care about you.”
While the therapeutic relationship is not reciprocal in the same way as friendship, there is still a deep human connection. The therapeutic relationship is focused on you, but therapists are real people who care about you and want what’s best for you. Your therapist is not a robot, programmed to say “how does that make you feel?” and nod and smile at all the right times. This is a person who is genuinely impacted by you. A therapist will feel with you, explore with you, and challenge you.
It is a real human relationship. And it’s focused on you.
Therapy is more than a venting session.
Venting can be cathartic and necessary. A release of information. A chance to have someone feel along with you. Venting might sound like “My boss is such a jerk! Can you believe her?” or “Being stuck in traffic is just the worst. It puts me in such a bad mood.”
Therapy sessions might include venting, especially at first. But therapists will likely challenge you go deeper.
A therapist will help you tune into your emotional experience, the underlying narratives, and past experiences that shape how you see your world. Rather than leave it at “Yeah, your boss sounds like a jerk!” a therapist might… (to name a few)
Help you to express your anger—feel it and move it through your body
Support you in building stronger self-advocacy and assertiveness skills in the workplace
Explore your history with authority figures, power dynamics, or people like your boss
Offer tools for self-soothing and calming to use at work
Support you in living out your values, like leaving a workplace that feels unhealthy, advocating for change and justice, or prioritizing where and how you want to use your energy.
A (good) therapist will tell you what they (really) see.
One of the most powerful tools that a therapist has is reflection. They can hold up a “mirror” to help you see yourself in ways that are raw and honest. A therapist might notice strength and goodness and beauty in you that you have not seen in yourself. They might challenge you to see that you have more power than you think. They might (lovingly) call you on your bull**** when you think “everyone else is the problem.” They might see and celebrate how hard you are trying, when others might notice your failure.
While some dear friendships build enough trust to challenge each other, it is not a cultural norm to be so honest. And a therapist’s loving honesty is a powerful gift to receive.
A therapist is trained for this.
Therapists’ training is rigorous, y’all. In my path of clinical mental health counseling, I’m required to have a master’s degree in mental health, an internship, a jurisprudence exam, 2000 hours of supervised experience after graduating, and a certification exam to get a license, and then continuing education for the rest of eternity to keep my license. And the point of all this training is for your good.
The counseling ethical codes are for your safety and support and well-being. The many counseling theories we learn are so that therapy has a structure and purpose and is impactful for you. The counseling field’s ongoing evolution toward justice and equity is making mental health care more accessible and aligned with your unique needs, values, and experiences.
As one of my professors used to say, “Therapists are the experts of the therapeutic process… but the client is the expert on themselves.” We are trained to shape and guide this process, but together we are co-travelers on a journey toward who you are becoming.